isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
