I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
