you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
