I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize