I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Semen is not good for contacts.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
