he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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