im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
