Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
