So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
