Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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