Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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