How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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