I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
