Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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