Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think I died a long time ago.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
