There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
