Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
