Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
