I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
