ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
