my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I want to fling myself into the sun
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
