someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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