ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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