I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
