it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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