based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
