i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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