i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
