Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
