hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
