who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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