I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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