i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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