New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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