Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
