Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
