we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
