ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
