why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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