If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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