I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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