You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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