I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
