1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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