Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
