Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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