If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
PANTIES FOUND
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
