The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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