On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize