Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize