In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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