why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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