dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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