Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
