She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
