Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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