Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
