This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
pop tarts are not kleenex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
