I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dignity is for republicans.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
