I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You were trust falling into bushes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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