Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
