i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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