Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
